Somewhere along the way, we’ve been told a bunch of lies about forgiveness. Some of these lies came from the religious folks, some of them came from the “evil-doers” and some of them came from our parents and guardians.
For the most part, I don’t believe these lies were malicious, except the ones from the evil-doers. But I believe they were, those telling us about forgiveness, misguided.
Many of us believe that forgiveness is forgetting and reconciling. Others believe that forgiveness is a one-and-done type of thing, while others believe that it will automatically happen.
I can tell you first hand that forgiveness is NONE of those things mentioned above.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is releasing feelings of resentment, bitterness, and vengeance towards those who have harmed you, whether they deserve it or not!
Forgiveness is a JOURNEY it is NOT a destination
It’s not like you choose to forgive and that’s the end of it. On the contrary, deciding to forgive is just the beginning of your journey. What’s interesting is that, when someone asks you to forgive them, it may be the END of their journey. At the same time it may also be the BEGINNING of your journey.
It depends on the person/people involved.
Forgiveness is a choice
No one can force you to forgive, it is a choice that YOU make. It doesn’t matter how many times someone asks you to forgive them, you have to make the decision to forgive, otherwise, it’s not forgiveness. Forgiveness is intentional and voluntary.
Forgiveness is a process
Unlike what some people may have you believe: once you forgive, that’s the end of it…IT IS NOT!
In the beginning of the forgiveness journey, some people may have a reaction when the trauma is brought up.
That reaction is just an indication that there is more work that needs to be done. It is important to remember that forgiveness is a choice. The reason why things are coming up for you, is because you are choosing to rise above it.
What Forgiveness is NOT
Now that we know what forgiveness is, let’s talk about what forgiveness is not. People get stuck in the process when they try to do these two things prematurely:
- Forget
- Accept
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting
Despite what others may say, forgiveness is NOT forgetting, at least not in the beginning.
On the contrary, to begin the process, you are forced to relive your past trauma, disappointment, etc.
Over time, throughout the process, you will get to a point where you will forget.
Keep in mind, every time the incidence comes up, you may react from a place of unforgiveness. This is ok but make sure you recognize your reaction for what it is.
Forgiveness is NOT accepting
When you choose to release the feelings of resentment and vengeance towards your offender, you are NOT saying that what they did to you is OK.
Oftentimes, we hold on to unforgiveness because we think it lets the person off the hook, it does not. What it does is, it releases you from spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical trauma.
What the person did to you WAS/IS wrong but your offering up forgiveness has nothing to do with them.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RECONCILE ANY RELATIONSHIPS OR ACCEPT ANY HARMFUL BEHAVIORS FROM AN OFFENDER!
Again, forgiveness is a process and no one is expecting you to forgive someone overnight for what they did to you.
The Importance of Forgiveness
- Find peace within yourself
- Forgiveness leads to happiness
- Forgiveness allows you to live in the present moment because it’s the only moment you have
- TAKE BACK your own power
- Forgiveness allows you to move on without anger or resentment
- Unforgiveness creates stress along with other spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical ailments
Of course, it’s easier for us to extend forgiveness to someone we like or to someone who has apologized for what they’ve done. What happens when no apology is extended to you?
How to Forgive When No One Has Apologized
It is much easier to skip over the apology aspect of forgiveness because it isn’t deemed sexy. However, it is vitally important that we examine the steps to take when no one has apologized for any wrong-doing.
Take responsibility for how you are feeling
Remember, forgiveness is for you, not the other person. By taking responsibility for your feelings, you are taking back your power. By doing so, you are choosing how you want to feel and feeling anything other than peace, joy, love becomes unnecessary.
Live in the present moment
Every memory is a memory of the past whether it’s good or bad. When we spend time thinking back or thinking about what has happened we are NO longer living in the present moment.
When you live outside of the present moment, you rob yourself of pleasurable moments because you’re too busy focused on and living in the past.
Don’t look at yourself as the victim…ALL THE TIME
Righteous indignation is addictive! People want to feel good about being angry and offended by every thing but that creates a limited life.
The world is not out to get you and life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you. Learn how to take control over how you feel and how you respond.
Have compassion
Remember, forgiveness is NOT acceptance of the act or behavior, it’s for you. You must understand that hurt people, hurt people. Ask yourself: would someone who is whole and complete want to harm another person?
You can also ask yourself : if someone would do this to me, what might they be doing to themselves behind closed doors?
Are there lessons that you could learn or have learned as a result of the experience? If so, offer up gratitude for the lesson NOT the thing that caused you harm but for the lesson you’ve learned.
Are you ready to heal from your past hurts and trauma? If so, I’d like to invite you to sign up for my Virtual Inner Child Healing Retreat. Click on the image below.
Are you ready to begin your journey RIGHT NOW? Click here to begin my brand new healing course, A Journey Into Purpose Consciousness.
